Sunday, June 10, 2012

16w2d

There is a lot I want to say right now, but I am still working through it all. The baby is fine, it's just the emotional aspect of surrogacy and trying to come to terms with everything that goes with it. Is there a honeymoon period with surrogacy, between the surro and her IPs? How do you feel included as an IP in the surrogacy if you live far away? Surros, what do you do to make your IPs feel included? This is what I am dealing with right now...

25 comments:

  1. My IP's lived across the country and to stay in touch we talked every week, texted all the time, emailed regarding any big appointments, going on's, etc. I recorded the heartbeat at every appointment and sent it to them, I sent them weekly belly photos so that they could watch their baby grow. Our relationship grew throughout our experience and we still continue to talk almost weekly so I can hear about how the baby is doing. I think you can't go into this experience with expectations because unfortunately things don't always go as planned. Just do your best to keep communication open and things will happen as they should. Sometimes it is hard but in the end it is all worth it. Please let me know if you have any questions and I will send you an email.

    Jaime

    ReplyDelete
  2. Phone, email, text, Facebook, visits. Communication is key. I would say that there is not a honeymoon phase, but the relationship is always changing. We became closer, the relationship became stronger, but the newness wears off as you'd expect. Are you all using Bellybuds?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have them, but haven't sent them.. I only recorded 2 things, two stories.. Can you email me Jeni?

      Delete
    2. You should send them. I played something for the baby almost daily that my IP's sent which I hope helped to ease the transition. Is there not a lot of communication happening?

      Jaime

      (jword04@gmail.com)

      Delete
  3. I mean my IPs went pretty much on a never ending rollercoaster while I was on bedrest for all those days. My blog I think helped them see what it was like for me, but communication is key. I always was really good about taking pictures as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree communication is key, BUT it works both ways, if one party is doing all the communicating, it starts to feel forced or like you are bothering them..

      Delete
  4. My IPs live close by so they were able to go to all my appts and we talked on the phone multiple times a day so the lines of communication were always open. We also had/have a blog for all of us to write in and get our feeling out. We found this very helpful. FWIW - during the pregnancy my IM always apologized for always calling me and checking on me and the baby BUT now that she is born, I am the one calling and apologizing for harrassing her! It never felt forced though and if you are having this issue, I would absolutely discuss it!
    Good luck!
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See that doesn't apply to us, we live 1200 miles apart, so we won't be at ANY appointments!! I am just realizing things won't be how they *could* be and that sucks..

      Delete
  5. I understand what you're going through for sure. It is something I've been dealing with from the start b/c our surro isn't super talkative/communicative by nature. So we get a check in about once a week...generally by text message. Talk about hard to feel involved. We were out of town all last week for work, so I had other things to keep my mind occupied...but another thing I've been dealing with alot is just general freaking out that we're having a baby and "omg, did we do the right thing?!" I was at a friend's house this weekend visiting with them and their 1 year old and they were fighting the entire time. And she said something like, "omg, I'll NEVER have another one. This is awful/crazy/somethingIforget." Anyways...it made me go, "WHAT?! We're having a baby! Don't tell me it's ruining your life!" So then the rest of the weekend, I was freaking out on my husband hoping that having a child doesn't ruin our marriage. (Meanwhile, he assures me that it's not going to. But of course, that's what he's supposed to say.)

    Anyways, talk about emotional rollercoaster. Not sure how much of it has to do with me stopping my HRT and going on the lactation regimen. (Today is Day3.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, your friend just can't handle her child.. Having a baby WONT ruin your marriage girl! Congrats on starting the IL regimen!! are you doing the progesterone protocol? That's what I chose and it was the easiest to start and get rolling! I feel like that's the only thing I can do to feel like I have a baby coming, so I am sticking with it, although the pumping every 2-3 hrs is sucking big time! *need to go pump now, LOL!*

      Delete
  6. First, here's my virtual hug to you {{hugs}}.

    I do my best to keep my IP's in the loop with everything that's happening...it's tougher, though, because they are out of the country. We communicate pretty much via e-mail and my blog--Skyping is always awesome, when we can find an opportunity to do it.

    I am a big fan of the belly buds as well.

    Have you talked to your surro about the lack of communication at all?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks girl... The thing is, I am the one initiating any contact AND as much as the belly buds sound like a good idea in theory, if she's too busy for anything else, she is probably too busy to use them.. Was the same with using the doppler.. And we already "know" each other seeing as how she's my SIL, ya know? So there isn't any of the getting to know you stuff to worry about... I dunno.. *sigh*

      Delete
  7. So sorry you are having these emotions =(. If there was one thing I would have done differently throughout my surrogacy it would have been to create a closer bond with my IP's and let them in more. In the moment, my hormones were at it's highest; I felt so unsocial, and the fact that I was actually carrying someone's babies other then my own kind of came over me. I wanted them to be involved as much as possible, but at the same time I just felt this need to be left alone. I couldn't help it. I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I was more welcoming into the whole experience, but there were so many overwhelming emotions I was experiencing and the only way I knew how to deal with it was to somewhat keep it all to myself. I would definitely speak with them on a daily basis, but never did I pursue the conversations. It really is hard to explain until you are actually in the moment yourself, but know that being a surrogate can be confusing at times and a bit overwhelming. Continue to reach out to her. When my IP's gave me the space they thought I was needing, that just made my emotions worse, and then I felt unappreciated. I don't know... there just doesn't seem to be an answer to all this. But let me tell you, as soon as those babies came out EVERYTHING changed. All of those emotions I had during the pregnancy just disappeared and I FINALLY felt the best connection ever with my IP's. I hope the best for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understand what you are saying, BUT after a while, if you have to initiate EVERY conversation albeit a short text or whatever, it gets old.. REAL QUICK... And I am starting to feel unappreciated and like I am just writing a check every month and have no other purpose.... We do NOT speak daily and we are family, so it's not like we are still getting to know each other.. I am not asking for much. A belly shot a week and info from appointments as it happens, not hrs later. Ultrasound pics mailed in a timely manner, not 4-5 days after it happens. I am NOT trying to take over her life, BUT I do want to feel included in MY child's journey.. We have been through a lot to get this far and I think that is being overlooked. Understanding works both ways, ya know? I appreciate your outlook, but I think with a non-relative surrogacy it would be different or expected, but this is surprising for me because I didn't expect it to be this way..

      Delete
    2. I totally see the bigger picture now. I would expect more from a situation like this. I would always call my IP's while IN the doctor's office for my visits. Every time I had an u/s, they would be on speaker phone the entire time asking whatever questions they had. In the end, these were their babies and I had no right keeping this experience from them. I have never been an IP before, so I can't really give you advice about what you should do. But, I do think this needs to be changed now before it gets any worse. Possibly have someone talk to her if you think bringing it up yourself will be too dramatic? Or, try to approach it yourself without offending anyone? Maybe being honest will be the best approach? During my pregnancy, my IP's had my agency bring this all up with me and although I was a little offended at first, in the end I was glad they did. We came to an agreement that we would have weekly phone conversations and had a set day and time to speak that was convenient for me (Sundays at 8pm). We then agreed that I would check in with them once a day. Whether that was a text or email just saying "Hi, I'm doing great" or a picture text of my belly. I also agreed to send them monthly belly shots. If they wanted that more frequent, they would shoot a text saying, "hey, we want to see that belly! Mind if we get a quick pic??" We really started communicating and I am glad someone brought it to my attention. I definitely think you should not ignore your feelings. This is an experience you can never relive.

      Delete
    3. Thank you for that... I did try to address it, but I think it fell on deaf ears.. She said "I'm just really busy" and "I have always had uneventful pregnancies" but I don't think she is grasping the core issue, that this is OUR child and it's more than likely our last and for my hubs (her hubby's brother) this is the ONLY baby he will ever have so I really wanted to be a part of the journey and not just the person signing the checks.. She might be offended, but guess what? So am I... So not sure how it will go from here.. :(

      Delete
  8. Coming from a surrogate whose IP's were across the country I know that it does take effort to make them feel involved in the pregnancy. When it comes down to it though as a surrogate you have to realize that you are sacrificing some of yourself to do this for someone and at the end of the day it isn't your baby and you want the parents to be as involved as possible. For us that meant weekly belly photos, recording the heartbeat at every appointment and sending it to them right away along with an update, calling every single week, emailing through the week and texting all the time from that moment I felt that first kick to when he wouldn't get his darn foot out of my ribs. I also kept a journal throughout the entire pregnancy that I let them know they were welcome to read to know what it was like. I would send an email explaining your feelings and letting her know that you would like to be involved in every moment of your childs life. Is there anyway you can make it to the ultrasound?

    Good luck, this has the opportunity to be a very beautiful experience that brings people closer together and also can drive them apart. I'm thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU!!! I appreciate you giving your view on things, so so much! I wanted to say that unfortunately we won't be able to make it to any ultrasounds.. :( We just can't do it financially or time wise. Hubs used all of his days off for us to cycle (we were in TX a month) but it was SO worth it to get that bfp! As much as it pains me not to be at the ultrasounds, I have to look at the bigger picture, ya know? I will get to be at the birth and then be there everyday after that...

      Delete
  9. As the surrogate in this situation, I think that I should say a few things.

    First, I want to apologize for not realizing how my actions (or lack of) were hurting you. Let me explain.

    I have done my best to keep you involved as much as I know how. I'm not saying that I am not to blame, but I don't know what I don't know. It is a great idea to have you on speaker phone at the appointments. I've never thought of that. My phone sucks and my pictures don't send quickly (or at all sometimes). I'll start to have Toby take them with his phone or camera and email them to you. I am willing to do whatever you want me to do, I just honestly don't think of things. I am a dunce about somethings. I don't think to tell you when I have m/s because I just blow it off as part of being pregnant. I realize that this isn't any ordinary pregnancy, but I need some reminding. This is my first time doing this and I don't know near what you do about how this should go. I didn't realize that this was all being held in and about to explode.

    As far as feeling like you just sign a check, Toby and I were NEVER doing this for the money. You should know that. That is what has hurt me the most about this situation. We knew that this was a struggle for you guys and offered to help. I thought we were both helping each other out.

    This will always be something special that we share. We can get past this. I'm just not as smart about this stuff as you are :) You aren't bothering me with calls or texts. I know you feel so far removed and I will do everything that I can, with your help, to allow you to be more involved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everything you are saying (now) is all I wanted you to think about the other day when I said something Christy, but you weren't open to seeing my side Saturday.. I was hoping you would read all of the responses and maybe take a step back and see how this is affecting me. When you say "Just chill, you will get it" when I ask for a picture, that is hurtful. Your comments the other day were EXTREMELY hurtful..... I don't expect you to give me a running commentary all day everyday, but I really don't ask for much. I never said you were just doing this for the money, but if I am made to feel like I am on the outside looking in, that is how it feels TO ME, I tried to explain that to you the Saturday.. I just want to be included and to not have to beg for pictures or for anything really, especially mailing me the u/s pictures.. I want this experience to be amazing for both of us!!! I am sure it is easy for you to fall in to the "ho hum" of this just being "another pregnancy" but it's SO MUCH MORE than that to me! This is an 8 year dream FINALLY coming true after going through hell on earth to get it..... That's all I want you to think about when I am dying for every little detail from an appointment or chomping at the bit for u/s pictures or belly shots...

      Delete
  10. First of all, I give you and your surrogate mad props. It's not easy being in either of your shoes. Having a family member carry your baby and working independently without the help of an agency to guide you has got to be tough--you are doing all of the leg work, and that's no fun.

    This can get ugly real fast, but the key to a successful relationship is to have open lines of continuous communication FROM BOTH ENDS as well as understanding--put yourself in the other's shoes at times when you are frustrated. Tonya has been through hell and back to get to where you all are today. Understand that and make sure to go a little bit out of your way to help ease her worries just a little. It takes 10 seconds to upload a picture and send it; a few minutes to send a quick email update on how your doctor appointment went. As a surrogate, it is your job to keep your Intended Parents fully informed and updated with the pregnancy and their baby at all times...especially since there isn't an agency involved to help keep things running smoothly. Put yourself in your IM's shoes--imagine the woman carrying your child and living hundreds of miles away, not being able to attend appointments, ect. That's got to be tough on Tonya for sure! Make it a priority to send her updates no later than the evening after your appointments. I never make it out of the parking lot of the docs office before sending a quick text or email to my IPs letting them know all is well. Also, every Thursday, I send a new belly pic. They appreciate this so much. Remember: It's the little things that count and make a person feel special and loved. :)

    Tonya - From what your surrogate has posted above, it sounds like she genuinely cares and didn't realize that her actions were having a negative effect on you. COMMUNICATE! Tell her exactly what you expect. All of your raw, emotional "replies" that you've posted above about your feelings and what you would like to happen should have been sent in a heartfelt email to your surrogate and maybe not posted here. If I came across a blog of my IPs and saw how hurt they were but never knew because they never told me, I would feel extremely hurt by this. Ideally, both yours and your surrogate's expectations should have been laid out PRIOR to matching together so that you both know exactly what to expect from one another.

    THIS ALL CAN BE FIXED!! You both deserve to enjoy the remaining weeks of this pregnancy--together! Communicate!! Maybe your surrogate can find support groups online? I know that I wouldn't be able to do what I am doing (carrying another couple's child) without the support from other surrogates who "get it". They get what I'm going through; support me; guide me. It's amazing. If your surrogate would like to email me for any questions or guidance, I can be reached at surfcitysurro@gmail.com OR she can find me on Facebook - Andrea Muehlhaus. :)

    Mad love for you, Tonya. Keep your head up, in the game, and your eye on the prize! xoxo (p.s. I'd love for YOU to find me on Facebook too!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Andrea, you know I love you too girlie!! I THANK YOU so much for your point of view! I am glad I brought it up here, because I think others need to know that just because it's a family member, doesn't mean it is gonna be roses and rainbows everyday, ya know? I have always been honest on my blog whether it was good or bad.. I think seeing everyone's view is going to be very helpful and hopefully it will be for someone else one day too! :)

      Delete
  11. I can't help with the question but glad baby is doing well. Sending you positive waves your way..i am sure everything will work itself out!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I haven't been in this position yet but I have already said to myself that I would want the IP's as involved as possible. For me the IP's being involved makes it easier to register that this is their child. I already know from the get go but if they weren't it would be harder feeling like they didn't care about their child. Glad you two have been able to talk through this. It would be hard doing this for family because you don't want to hurt each others feelings but at the same time you can't go on not saying something and resent the other person.
    A belly shot once a month if wanted once a week. I am a huge blogger and would keep a blog of my journey and post pictures and info on that, that would probably be the easiest way for my IP's to get updates and info. I am the worst at mailing things to people so that would be hard for me. I am sure she isn't intentionally trying to be hurtful but if you guys continually talk about how both of you are feeling about the situation it will be better! Good luck and congrats on finding out it's a boy!! Love the name too!

    ReplyDelete

Check it out