Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I'm still around

I have been dreading writing this post... I am not sure how to get it all out or where to begin.. My surrogate is pregnant with her own baby. Very early still, but she is definitely pregnant. So we made the decision to do an IVF cycle as planned at the beginning of the year and once again freeze our embryos. This is NOT what we wanted to do, but aside from starting back at square one and putting our plans off indefinitely, this is our only choice. I have little to no confidence in FET's with our history of late so I am struggling with the idea of even moving forward if I am honest with you guys.. I just wanted to be able to do one fresh cycle and then if we didn't have success I could have closure knowing I tried everything possible. Doing another FET is kinda like throwing good money after bad to me, because we've tried it twice and it didn't work. We are using a different clinic (ARCC in Irving, TX) but still, it's still the same old thing an FET. We had initially intended on doing a fresh cycle but due to issues my friend had with the clinic that needed to be cleared up, that was not possible, as they were unwilling to work with her as a patient until the matter was settled. So even though it was more expensive for us, we opted to freeze all and move our embryos to a clinic close to her and pay much more for FETs in her state. Fast forward from December of last year to September and she has now settles her matter with the clinic (something that could have been done so I could have had my fresh there in the first place, but I digress) and now she has had her own transfer with them and is newly pregnant... Her timing kinda sucks and feels like a slap in the face..

There is also a whole 'nother set of issues with her being pregnant with her own child. Our contract was supposed to be in place until March 2012, well that is obviously not the case now.. I would be lying if I say I didn't feel like I wasted an incredible amount of money choosing to work with a friend. I truly believed she was finished with her family. She assured me she was. Then she had second thoughts on that. I can't be mad at her wanting to have another child, but I am hurt. This whole arrangement was born out of the relationship we built 9 years ago when I donated eggs to her and through that she was able to have her son and the remaining embryos that she just used. Did she "owe" me a surrogacy? CERTAINLY NOT... But I had a surrogate and while things were touch n go during the getting to know you phase, I believe it was things that we could have probably worked through. Having my friend offer just made it easier on us to get started sooner rather than later and she had offered years ago and I always was adamant that she not do it until she was finished with her own family.. I am sure it is for reasons like this that most women don't pursue surrogacy unless they are finished having their own children or atleast reasonably sure they are finished.. So how do I move forward? This has definitely affected our friendship. I can't be her sounding board and support system like I was with her first pregnancy and since she keeps the IVF and circumstances of her IF issues private she has no one to talk to. I do the best I can with talking to her, but it is strained.. I KNOW she knows this is hard for me to deal with, I have made that clear. I have been saving and sacrificing for a LONG TIME to make this happen and I feel like my opportunity was squandered... I don't think she understands the gravity of what has happened.. Age is not fertility's friend! The older you get the lower your chances are AND the worse your eggs get. I have already seen a marked decline in the number of eggs I produce and I suspect the quality has already started to suffer as well. I think my cycle in April that shared with my other "friend" may have been the "one good egg" out of that batch. My February cycle I believe since I ovulated during egg retrieval the good egg got away.. If bad luck was worth anything I would be very rich indeed.. I am getting sidetracked and I apologize, back to the word vomit that is in my brain.. She suggested to me that we do a cycle and freeze (which we are probably going to do NOW since we feel like we have no other choice) and I said, um we just did that TWICE and all we got were 2 chemicals AND another $12,000-$13,000 added to our tally. See, when you do a fresh cycle, most of you know the price you pay includes the transfer. Well if you freeze all, you pay a little less, but you pay a TON more to do a frozen transfer. So really if you can transfer at retrieval it is ideal. Not only cost wise but also success rates wise. Frozen transfers success rates are NOT as high as fresh. That is why we want to do fresh and because like I said before, been there done that on frozen, let's throw OUR LAST CHANCE at fresh, the one thing we haven't done... But once again, I have to tailor my cycle around what's convenient for someone else and that's the burr in my ass that I can't shake..

Oh let's talk about the paralyzing fear I have too. What if she loses her uterus after this baby or her OB says she can't carry another baby? Well folks, if that happens then I pretty much wasted all the money spent on contracts, lawyers, medical testing and psych evals because we have to start over with someone else any... And that means pushing everything back much farther because we have to save up for those things again..

See my dilemma? So what's a girl to do? Two girls are having babies next year that will probably look like me and neither baby is going to be coming home with me.. I am still waiting and praying that I didn't waste my last best chance.. Hubby wants to do the freeze all, because he can't deal with the thought that we were so close and now we are finished. So even though I don't want to do that I am going to.. I just pray it's the right decision. And I pray my friend has an easy delivery (please be vaginal!) and mends in time and our relationship can mend so that we can still make this happen.. I still love her dearly, I just feel a little bit used (since I had already paid for medical testing they didn't have to pay for it and she used my meds BUT she did say she will replace them when the time comes and pay for the medical testing to be redone since she used up the remaining clock I had on the testing dates) and something else, but I can't put my finger on it.. And I am jealous.. I AM.. It sucks to admit that, but there it is.. I want my husband to have a child of his own and I want that NOW. But sometimes you don't get what you want.. And THAT is what scares me..SO that's what I needed to say to you guys..

Do you think cycling now and taking advantage of my being 38.1yo or 38.2yo for this egg retrieval is better even though I would have to do an FET later is better than waiting to do a fresh cycle when I am worst case scenario 39.5 or best case scenario 39? Feel free to blow smoke up my ass to make me feel better, I'm easy at this point.. No matter what happens I will always post and tell my story..


  1. Oh geez :( Not great news! :( But I wish you the best with whatever you choose. I guess my advice would be to keep trying...go ahead with thoughts (with myself) is that it always seemed harder doing nothing and waiting than it was going through the treatments and risks. Thinking of you xo

  2. You have every right to feel jealous, upset, angry, and frustrated. I say that because many many years ago, my mom and dad decided after they had me and my brother they wanted another child. Well the issue that came up was my mom was not producing any eggs. So she asked her sister to donate eggs and they discussed it and her sister agreed. Well the time came, and her sister was pregnant. Its a slap in the face when you trust someone so close and the outcome is like that. Im hoping that in time you two can mend the friendship. But know that you deserve to be upset with all you have been through.

  3. Oh wow... Sorry to hear this...I dont know much about surrogacy but I think I would be hurt especially if you and your friend had a contract! I hope that you work things out and I hope she delivers vaginally too! I would be all those different emotions too and I'm sure hubby understands more than anything!

  4. Sarah- Yes not great news indeed... We are probably going to do the freeze all, but I haven't ruled out finding a new surrogate if we can afford the person.

    Destiny- I really don't know what is going to become of our friendship. It was born out of something beautiful (my egg donation to her) but now each picture of her new baby or any mention of her pregnancy infuriates me right now so I don't know.. I think time is needed for healing at least I hope so, she was more like a sister to me over these 9 yrs than a friend.

    Mrs. Pancakes- Definitely have to have a contract even if a friend or family, supposedly to protect everyone, but it's hard to want to enforce it on someone you love, especially under these circumstances, so a contract is not doing me any good, ya know?

    I just feel like I lost more than a chance at a baby, I lost a friend/sister too..

  5. Oh my goodness. I don't even know what to say. I agree that every woman should be able to persue pregnancy...but if she wasn't done building her family, she should have TOLD you that, straight-up. And especailly hurtful to use your meds, your money for testing...and your eggs as the final kick (though I realize there's a reason she used donor eggs, but still...).

    My heart is just breaking for you. :(

    I do think you should take advantage of youth and do a freeze-all. If you're with a good lab, they have nearly 100% thaw success. I think looking at frozen stats vs. fresh stats might be misleading, as many people transfer their seemingly best embryos fresh and freeze the "leftovers". You'd be freezing your best, so it wouldn't be quite the same picture.

    I also do think looking for another surrogate might be a good option. You need to think realisticly--do you want your friend gestating your baby after this? That's something only you can decide.

  6. Marissa- Thanks for that. I would tend to agree with you on the FET stats if I hadn't just done exactly that. I froze all for both of my cycles (well all that they could rescue after botching my retrieval and all I got from my shared cycle so half) and while I had great thaws (everything always survived) both ended badly as you know from my blog. Could be the freezing/thawing according to my previous RE and it could be that I'm an old ass, who knows.. I can't really afford to change surros this late in the game but I probably can't afford NOT to as well.. FML

  7. Oh honey my heart just sank for you when I read this. You have every right to feel the emotions you do, you built your hopes up all this time and then had the carpet/rug swept right out from under you. I hope that a new door opens. Will you be waiting and going with her? I think you should think about that one.
    I have to agree with the poster at the top, I would think freezing sooner rather than later would be better.....but what do I know my knowledge is based on reading blogs, this little chicken has again pushed back my own IVF start date...I know I know denial but a girl can wish that things will magically start working.
    I am truly sorry you're going through this cause like you said its a double loss cause you were both so close. I'm gonna keeping praying in all this that he opens a window.

  8. I can't imagine what you are going through. I am very sorry that you are going through this......
    It is my prayer that your blessing will come very soon. xo

  9. I am so sorry you are going through this, it is not fair and it flat out stinks.

    Yes- you continue on with the egg retrieval and freeze those embies. NO! you do not wait on your "friend" there are too many what ifs down the road. Safe every penny and find a surrogate who is dependable and trust worthy.

    Also, this girl needs to pay you back. She broke the contract, even if she does not have the money to pay you back she should be paying you in monthly payments. She is now having a baby on your dime and that is wrong and she needs to be held responsible for it.

  10. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. If dealing with infertility isn't hard enough. Did you contract say anything about her not cycling or having intercourse with DH will under contract. She may have to pay you for all the medical testing and things that you did, if so. I would definitely cycle again now and freeze. There is a lady on smo that just got pregnant with 10+ y/o frozen eggs. Don't give up on yours or DH's dreams of a family. Your time is coming.

  11. This is just a nightmare!! I am soooo sorry... I just wish something would start to go right for you! I can't believe that about your surrogate and I just hope it all works out somehow. Hmmmm, I know finding a new surrogate will cost more money, but so will repeating frozen cycles over and over. Fresh is the best and it can make a HUGE difference. I know you have a big decision to make, so take your time (I know, time isn't on your side) and do what you think is best. Hopefully in the end, this will all pay off.

  12. I am soooooooo sorry to hear all of this happened to you. It does hurt on so many different levels. I wish I had some magical words to make it all work out. :-( I don't know the answer to fresh vs. frozen. My doctor said that FET has a slightly lower rate of success but it wasn't ridiculously lower. I wonder if there's any way to compare women at 38.1 and 39.5 and see if the drop off in success rates is big or not. If it is a big drop maybe do FET and grab your eggs now. If the success rate is similar then maybe wait and try for fresh. Medicine is, unfortunately, an art, not a science. And there's a lot of luck involved. Follow your gut, too. Your gut is often right. I went against science but followed my gut and had success.

  13. Oh wow, how incredibly awful!!! I am SOOO, SOOO sorry!!! Am I understanding it right that she didn't accidentally get pregnant...she used IVF with your donor eggs and did a transfer herself instead of carrying for you??? Yes, please find another surro...that's unthinkable, Tonya!! I cannot imagine what she was thinking!! :(

  14. I am so sorry your going through this. Email me I could use an IM to talk to.

  15. THANK YOU to all of you for your sweet messages and support! They mean the world to me!


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