Looking back on 2011

2011 brought our family lots of hope and lots of heartache.. For the most part it was lots of waiting, rushing around and then more waiting. Then the SUCKFEST began for pretty much the entire last half of the year.. As I look back, I still have a bit of sadness and pain at the events that unfolded, BUT I have MUCH MORE hope going in to 2012 then I ever thought was possible! Inspite of everything, we are gearing up for another IVF cycle AND we are doing what I wanted in the timeframe I wanted= A Fresh transfer before I am 39! I am feeling so GO and SO BLESSED.. It seems like everything has just been falling into place as of late and I want to stop and be thankful for each little thing that is happening, no matter how small.. My sister in law and brother in law are in it to WIN IT with us and they are both so excited at the thought of us on this journey together.. We can't wait to head to TEXAS in about 6-8 short weeks and get things rolling! Of course I will be keeping you guys up to date, I don't know what I would do without ALL OF  YOU to lean on! I appreciate you all for reading our story and for all of the love and support you have shown us.. You were a HUGE part of the hope we felt in 2011.. And for that WE THANK YOU!

My Checklist and NYE

With each journey, I HAVE to do a checklist or I will go insane (because I have a touch of OCD) I have lists and numbers scratched on every surface.. Seriously, it looks like a shot from "A Beautiful Mind" up in here.. I can't help it. I am constantly checking and rechecking numbers and lists, etc.. Annnnywho so I got my SIL an AFLAC policy because lots of surros said it was an awesome thing to have, so I looked in to it and set SIL up with one. Well the packet came in the mail today so CHECK! Next up is paying the clinic Monday and getting our schedule some time after that. I can feel that giddy anticipation starting to build! BRING ON 2012, I AM READY!!!

On another note, if y'all are going out tonight BE CAREFUL! I read a blog from the husband's point of view about his wife that has cystic fibrosis and she needed a lung transplant (she got it) but I am pretty sure he said the highest rate of transplants is TONIGHT and we all know why.. DONT DRINK AND DRIVE! You might THINK "you got this" but you may not! BE SAFE Y'ALL and see you NEXT YEAR! LOVE TO YOU ALL!

Teeniest of Steps Forward

Received an email from the Nurse for our cycle today! She said we do not need any labs done at this time (YAY!) and that once we are closer to retrieval we need to update our FDA testing (Another YAY!!!) And she asked when we were getting to TX (this is getting real folks!) I replied back to her and said once we get the schedule, I can plan better when we are coming. So, now I wait for a reply from her!


In other news, Christmas was really nice! The boys were happy with their gifts (Cuz, they got everything they asked for, BRATS! LOL!) and I got a splurge item (THANK YOU Swagbucks) a Xbox 360 with Kinect! I LOVE this thing! I am NOT a video game person by any means, but I freaking love this thing! There is this game called Fruit Ninja and lemme just tell ya, I should have been a Ninja for real! I am kind of awesome at this game. Oh and I got the Michael Jackson Experience game (SUPER freaking hard!!) Let's just say MJ would NOT have given me a callback to be a backup dancer *hangs head in shame* Yeah, it's pretty bad.. But really fun! I am now using the Zumba game so I can lose some of this extra large and in charge butt i am carrying around!

In other other news: A friend from high school came in to town for the holidays and I got to see her new baby! Such a doll he is.. They unfortunately have been down this sucky IF road too, so knowing she came out the other side (we are the same age) makes me so happy and gives me such hope.. Seeing her and her husband with their son is so amazing. I can't wait for that to be me and hubby.. I got some good snuggle time with that little cutie and it was great!


So that's how my Holiday was! Hopefully all of you had an equally amazing Christmas!

More to come after the New Year I am sure!

Have Yourself

A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!!!! Love to all of you... Hope you have a wonderful day!

Garage Sale FAIL..

Yeah, so ummm... Don't ever have a garage sale the weekend before Christmas, ummkay? Cuz I did that today and all I got was a whopping $45 bucks! :( GARAGESALE.FAIL I coulda slept in and lazed about today! It was my fault I was sooo gungho on having a sale.. BUT in my defense, I wanted to have one like 2 weeks ago but hubby worked the weekends the past two weeks so he said NO. (He has to be there for garage sale day because I call him eleventy million times to ask questions about his crap, HA!) so this was the only weekend he pushed his schedule around to be off.. Annnnnyway... I am $45 dollars richer so I can't be all mad. Plus I am having another decent week on eBay.. Nothing like that Care Bears weekend but I'm doing ok, I know I will make atleast $300 this weekend and I am gearing up for another serious listing fit, so hoping to make atleast another $300 next week. Gotta keep the momentum going! Nothing much to report on Operation: Babydreams 2012 just yet. My SIL & BIL are having their testing done next week and then it's just more waiting.. I paid $800 to the clinic so far for consults and testing, I definitely don't miss this part of the journey, LOL! But I know with each payment we make, we are getting closer to our baby!

In holiday news, I am SUCH A ROCK STAR, if I say so myself...AND I DO! I use this website called Swagbucks and it's a search and win type site, (I dont know how to explain it really) Anyway. instead of using say goo.gl.e I use them to search for things and I win points every now and then for my searches. For every 450 search points I accrue, I can trade those for $5 in Am.az.on Gift Card credit! So I have been searching, getting points (sometimes they give out codes that are worth points) and doing my little thang... So I have been a member since last year probably and I have managed to squirrel away $290 dollars in ama.zon gif.t ca.rd credits! HUGE help for Christ.ma.s shop.pping this year! I didn't really have to spend much money at all thank GOD. So this definitely is helping keep our spending down and we are still able to add to the IVF Fund!

So that's all my little news for the weekend. This week I plan on couponing my heart out at the grocery store to get the items I need for Christmas Dinner and we are baking cookies, cake, brownies, pie, etc. getting ready for the eat-a-thon, LOL!

Til next time!

SIL Consult

C had her consult and it went amazing too! Dr. Le said she has a perfect uterus and she was born to be a surrogate! He said she has a beautiful cervix. She laughed and thought it was weird, but then said "Well I guess that's a compliment considering what we are trying to do." I TOTALLY agreed and said YEP it is! HA! So she is good to go and has to call when she gets her January period!! OMG!!! my BIL has his lab order to do his labs and she has hers to do it locally at her OB (it's over $1,000 to do it at the RE's office!!!) so umm, yeah I dont think so.. SO they will be getting those done on 12/20 and the results will be faxed over to the IVF clinic. All of our testing is good to go as well! We have to redo the FDA testing, but that can be done once we get to TX.. So it's officially OFFICIAL! We are BACK!

IVF Part Trois

I had my much awaited consult! It was AMAZING! The Dr. was late in calling but a nurse called and let me know he hadn't forgotten about me and that he was still with his last patient. I was ok (after she called to tell me, I was getting nervous before that and maybe the TEENIEST BIT attitudey, LOL!)Annnywho... So he calls me and apologizes for being late and we get right to it. He said all the right things and he wants to try something new, namely me not taking birth control pills. He feels they are over-suppressing me and wants me to do just monitor my LH surge by using an OPK (ovulation prediction kit) and then starting right to the stim meds. While I am doing that, my sister in law "C" will be doing birth control pills and lupron and then vivelle patches, estradiol pills and the wonderful progesterone to get her lining nice and ready for hopefully 2-3 day 3 embies or TWO blasts or day 5 embies! We are shooting for February (no later than very beginning of March) to make sure all of the testing is completed and the legal is done and also it just has to be after the New Year so we can maximize the flex spending account with our health insurance. Gotta do what ya gotta do.. The Dr said he can control everything except the eggs being abnormal (Damn, doc why'd you have to remind me that I'm OLD, I know this!) but he said he is hopeful since the girl I just donated to in April is successfully pregnant (she's due VERY soon).. Everything went really well and I am SOOO excited for it to be next year so we can get this party started!! My SIL has her consult tomorrow (today now, it's after Midnight!) and she will be calling me afterwards and giving me the the low-down on how it went. I asked the RE all the questions I wanted to ask and told him of all the supplements I am taking to have better egg quality and he was totally ok with it and recommended one I wasn't taking, LOL! I really like him. I haven't felt this good about IVF in a long time, so it's nice to feel that dark cloud slipping away and being replaced with hope! I am still kinda nervous about this being our last shot and I hope I have atleast ONE good egg left in there for my own miracle, that's my prayer! Lawyer is working on the contract and that should be done in January some time so things are moving along nicely! Will update after I hear back from my SIL tomorrow! until then, later gators!

Wait... WHAAAT?!?!

The other day went something like this:

RING, RING! Me: Hello? (Yes all question-y like because I could see it was the IVF clinic and I had just spoken with them) Her: Hi, may I speak to Tonya? Me: Yes, hi S____ (Yeah, I'm cool like that and recognized her voice) Her: Hi, yes... We were going over cases and Dr. Le has decided HE wants to handle your case personally, so he wants to have the consult with you BEFORE he sees your SIL, so we need to change her appointment. Me: Umm, NOPE, she is already coming from 3-4hrs away, no way I am having her come in LATER.. Just change my appointment to earlier in the day. Her: The only other answer is for yours to be TUESDAY. Me: OK sure! Tuesday is great! Sooo, ummmm... Yeah.... So now my consult is in FOUR days!!! EEEEK!

I had to rush around like a mad woman to get my medical records and overnight them so they could review them Monday for my phone consult Tuesday.. I hope he has a big lunch or a good snack because that is one HUGE envelope coming to the office! S___ said "Why not just fax it?" I said OK, do you have atleast 100 pages in your fax machine and nothing to do for a while? "Oh, no mailing them overnight is fine!" HAHAHAHAA!, Yeah, that's what I thought! I CANNOT believe I am talking to the RE in a few short days AND that he decided he wants to handle my case personally! I was OK with any RE from the Group, but just knowing that it's the "main man" makes me even more excited!! YAY Me! So that's my little update for today.. Sales are slow on ebay this week, but it's not over yet AND I still have TONS of stuff to list so I am not worried at this point. Just gotta keep at it! OK off to hit my listings while I have the house to my self!

Later Gators! Will update for sure Tuesday if not before, MWAH!

Birthday Celebration and 1 Week Countdown

So today is the day.. The big 38 (I am still in shock!) I can't believe it! Seems like just yesterday I was 18 and thought I knew it all! So much has happened over those 20 years.. And for part of them I was 29 a FEW times (shhhh!) Anyway, it's kinda cool to see where I have been and all that I have accomplished alone and then with my wonderful hubby.. I can't wait to see what the next chapter holds! Now where was I? Oh yes, the COUNTDOWN. It is T-Minus 7 days until my SIL and I have our consults with ARCC! I am gonna have to get my medical records copied and overnight them to the clinic (will save that for tomorrow, this princess isn't doing that on her birthday-HA!) so they have all my info before talking to me.. Things should really start moving at least with testing so we are just in a holding pattern until the time to start gets here! EEEK! It's getting more real now!! So that's about it for now.. Off to celebrate my day with my love. He took off to be with me, he's so amazing..

eBay Is Gonna Help Me Have A Baby!

So all last week, I went through my garage and all my stuff that I have been collecting over the years (I used to have an online store) and then some friends donated things to me to sell and started listing stuff on eBay. I didn't think much would come of it, but anything would help and would be put into the "Baby Fund 2012" account. I WELL EXCEEDED my own expectations! We put some cutesy stuff up (Care Bears and other knick knacks) and some dinnerware (what I mostly collected) and some games that hubby didn't want any longer, etc. and this is what we made AFTER shipping the items out!

 

Can y'all believe it!?! My goal is to do this well each week! If so we will be ahead of the game when February rolls around for sure! You guys can check out my auctions to see how it goes, I am hoping I get a few bidding wars like the ones that went down yesterday, it was AWESOME! This is what happened at the end of the bidding war: Care Bears War    So this is the link to my current items

Maybe Baby Ebay item Fund   but I am listing a bunch more and maybe I will have just as much luck as this past weekend! Say a prayer for me guys! Will keep y'all updated on how I make out! Birthday is Wednesday and consults a week after, so exciting times coming up!

Small Steps Forward

Consults have been set up for both of us! My SIL will be going to the clinic 12/14 and getting started.. After they see her, they will be doing a phone consult with me! I told them I would rather do it now so we can get all the orders for testing since we all know December is pretty much a wash with the clinics! The coordinator was kind of difficult and was saying we needed to wait until closer to January but we all know I don't back down so I got my way, LOL! I also have an alarming incident with the coordinator.. She was going on about how my SIL had certain testing that couldn't be done at her primary care DR office such as "donor testing".. She just kept talking and then asked me if she had ever had cystic fibrosis testing done? I said "Umm.. I dunno, but since I AM THE ONE CONTRIBUTING MY DNA, YES I have had it done" She said "OH, she isn't the donor?" WHAAT!?!?! HELLLLOOOO!?!?! I have talked with someone several times about having a SURROGATE! Ummm...yeah.. So after being put on hold for what seemed like forever she had it fixed.. Turns out those THOUSANDS of dollars of tests she said were needed for my SIL were because she thought she was the donor.. That did not give me the warm fuzzy's y'all.... BUT atleast after the third or fourth time of me asking she said "I PROMISE I FIXED IT, IM REALLY SORRY" but of course I will be triple checking every damn thing now, I TRUST NO ONE LADY! :) :) Y'all know how I am.. So all in all, we made some headway.. Now we wait two weeks and I will have a great update I hope on our consults! In the mean time Wednesday is MY BIRTHDAY!!!! No idea what I am gonna do.. I think a movie and dinner and that's about it, unless hubby has something else planned.. I'm low key on my birthday pretty much after I turned 30 so, that is plenty for me! But isn't 38 the new 28??? LOL!!!

If you liked my last post.. YOU WILL LOVE THIS ONE

OK so we OFFICIALLY have a surrogate! This situation COULD NOT get better if we wanted it to.. It's amazing how things change so quickly!! This time we are moving ahead KNOWING that we are making the right decision. My sister in law called today and offered to be our surrogate! My brother-in-law (hubby's brother) and her were talking and they decided together that they could do this for us. What is more amazing is that they live in TX so nothing changes for contracts or the clinic! She has had four babies and never had a complication. All vaginal deliveries and big healthy babies! Her insurance has NO EXCLUSIONS which we all know is a HUGE DEAL, so our lawyer said she is the perfect candidate, she actually squealed when I told her, she was so happy for us! We are in the process of getting the contract in the works and then I have to set up my consult and her consult so she can get her blood-work done and we can get ours redone, but the clinic said there is no reason why we won't be on track for our time frame! We pushed back to February/March so we can take advantage of the FSA thru our health insurance and max that out for the $4,000.00 so we aren't doing anything until after the New Year for sure, which gives our atty plenty of time to work on the contract so we can meet the 14 day deadline of having contracts in place prior to embryo transfer.. I cannot believe the whirlwind of the last few weeks.. We have gone from utter despair to walking on cloud nine!! We have prayed everyday and asked God to show us the right way and we never in a million years thought it would happen like this.. We are just enjoying the feeling of things going right for a change for us.. I don't know about y'all but I plan on doing some celebrating this weekend!

Down...BUT NOT OUT

Some things are in the works over here at Casa Babydreams... For one I talked to a new lawyer in the great state of TEXAS regarding contracts and PBO (pre-birth order) and all that jazz. She was super nice and extremely helpful (and she suggested I sue for breach of contract regarding the other issue that we will no longer speak about because it chaps my ass). I have decided she is THE ONE that we will use. We are aggressively moving funds around scouring our bills and tightening our budget even more in order to pull cycle #4 out of our asses in February or March. So if I am talking about moving ahead in February or March that means... WE MIGHT HAVE A SURROGATE!! I say MIGHT because we still have some things to work out, think about and talk about, but on paper and on phone she seems lovely.. That's about all I will say right now, but it feels AMAZING to know we might just pull this off in spite of the enormous betrayal, setbacks and bullshit that have been thrown in our path.. Thank you to all who have commented, read and been there for me. I LOVE Y'ALL!!

So I told her

I told my friend surrogate that we are moving on without her as our surrogate and that she needed to send me back the meds or the cash equivalent if she could not get the meds from her refills. She agreed. The call went better than I thought it would. I kept it civil and I could sense a sadness in her voice that I was glad was there. I hope that is from her knowing how badly we are hurting over here.. In other news, we have actively been looking for someone to carry for us. I have gotten more responses than I thought I would so I was surprised. Then I was disheartened when I read majority of them. Finding someone you trust to carry your child is an incredibly overwhelming thing to embark on, especially when you have been hurt or let down by family/friend and/or independent surrogate we worked with it's like "who can we trust?" We have to trust someone though is the bottom line if we want this to happen and we do, so we are stepping out on faith that everything is going to turn out fine and we will have our little miracle at the end of this journey... I will update when I have more news. Off to find that elusive money tree, if y'all know where it is, let me know, kthanks! LOL...

I'm still around

I have been dreading writing this post... I am not sure how to get it all out or where to begin.. My surrogate is pregnant with her own baby. Very early still, but she is definitely pregnant. So we made the decision to do an IVF cycle as planned at the beginning of the year and once again freeze our embryos. This is NOT what we wanted to do, but aside from starting back at square one and putting our plans off indefinitely, this is our only choice. I have little to no confidence in FET's with our history of late so I am struggling with the idea of even moving forward if I am honest with you guys.. I just wanted to be able to do one fresh cycle and then if we didn't have success I could have closure knowing I tried everything possible. Doing another FET is kinda like throwing good money after bad to me, because we've tried it twice and it didn't work. We are using a different clinic (ARCC in Irving, TX) but still, it's still the same old thing an FET. We had initially intended on doing a fresh cycle but due to issues my friend had with the clinic that needed to be cleared up, that was not possible, as they were unwilling to work with her as a patient until the matter was settled. So even though it was more expensive for us, we opted to freeze all and move our embryos to a clinic close to her and pay much more for FETs in her state. Fast forward from December of last year to September and she has now settles her matter with the clinic (something that could have been done so I could have had my fresh there in the first place, but I digress) and now she has had her own transfer with them and is newly pregnant... Her timing kinda sucks and feels like a slap in the face..


There is also a whole 'nother set of issues with her being pregnant with her own child. Our contract was supposed to be in place until March 2012, well that is obviously not the case now.. I would be lying if I say I didn't feel like I wasted an incredible amount of money choosing to work with a friend. I truly believed she was finished with her family. She assured me she was. Then she had second thoughts on that. I can't be mad at her wanting to have another child, but I am hurt. This whole arrangement was born out of the relationship we built 9 years ago when I donated eggs to her and through that she was able to have her son and the remaining embryos that she just used. Did she "owe" me a surrogacy? CERTAINLY NOT... But I had a surrogate and while things were touch n go during the getting to know you phase, I believe it was things that we could have probably worked through. Having my friend offer just made it easier on us to get started sooner rather than later and she had offered years ago and I always was adamant that she not do it until she was finished with her own family.. I am sure it is for reasons like this that most women don't pursue surrogacy unless they are finished having their own children or atleast reasonably sure they are finished.. So how do I move forward? This has definitely affected our friendship. I can't be her sounding board and support system like I was with her first pregnancy and since she keeps the IVF and circumstances of her IF issues private she has no one to talk to. I do the best I can with talking to her, but it is strained.. I KNOW she knows this is hard for me to deal with, I have made that clear. I have been saving and sacrificing for a LONG TIME to make this happen and I feel like my opportunity was squandered... I don't think she understands the gravity of what has happened.. Age is not fertility's friend! The older you get the lower your chances are AND the worse your eggs get. I have already seen a marked decline in the number of eggs I produce and I suspect the quality has already started to suffer as well. I think my cycle in April that shared with my other "friend" may have been the "one good egg" out of that batch. My February cycle I believe since I ovulated during egg retrieval the good egg got away.. If bad luck was worth anything I would be very rich indeed.. I am getting sidetracked and I apologize, back to the word vomit that is in my brain.. She suggested to me that we do a cycle and freeze (which we are probably going to do NOW since we feel like we have no other choice) and I said, um we just did that TWICE and all we got were 2 chemicals AND another $12,000-$13,000 added to our tally. See, when you do a fresh cycle, most of you know the price you pay includes the transfer. Well if you freeze all, you pay a little less, but you pay a TON more to do a frozen transfer. So really if you can transfer at retrieval it is ideal. Not only cost wise but also success rates wise. Frozen transfers success rates are NOT as high as fresh. That is why we want to do fresh and because like I said before, been there done that on frozen, let's throw OUR LAST CHANCE at fresh, the one thing we haven't done... But once again, I have to tailor my cycle around what's convenient for someone else and that's the burr in my ass that I can't shake..

Oh let's talk about the paralyzing fear I have too. What if she loses her uterus after this baby or her OB says she can't carry another baby? Well folks, if that happens then I pretty much wasted all the money spent on contracts, lawyers, medical testing and psych evals because we have to start over with someone else any... And that means pushing everything back much farther because we have to save up for those things again..

See my dilemma? So what's a girl to do? Two girls are having babies next year that will probably look like me and neither baby is going to be coming home with me.. I am still waiting and praying that I didn't waste my last best chance.. Hubby wants to do the freeze all, because he can't deal with the thought that we were so close and now we are finished. So even though I don't want to do that I am going to.. I just pray it's the right decision. And I pray my friend has an easy delivery (please be vaginal!) and mends in time and our relationship can mend so that we can still make this happen.. I still love her dearly, I just feel a little bit used (since I had already paid for medical testing they didn't have to pay for it and she used my meds BUT she did say she will replace them when the time comes and pay for the medical testing to be redone since she used up the remaining clock I had on the testing dates) and something else, but I can't put my finger on it.. And I am jealous.. I AM.. It sucks to admit that, but there it is.. I want my husband to have a child of his own and I want that NOW. But sometimes you don't get what you want.. And THAT is what scares me..SO that's what I needed to say to you guys..

Do you think cycling now and taking advantage of my being 38.1yo or 38.2yo for this egg retrieval is better even though I would have to do an FET later is better than waiting to do a fresh cycle when I am worst case scenario 39.5 or best case scenario 39? Feel free to blow smoke up my ass to make me feel better, I'm easy at this point.. No matter what happens I will always post and tell my story..

Update

Seemed like it was time for an update! Ok so I am STILL SICK. But getting better now. Had to go back and get a 2nd course of antibiotics! Crazy.. Finally on the mend after 12 days of this yuck-fest! I have also been rethinking our decision to go with our old clinic. I have been researching other places and then talked with hubby. We have now decided to go with a different clinic in TEXAS!! Yep you read that right, TEXAS! I am excited. I had a long talk with a nurse there and I LOVE THEM! I had actually had a consult with them many years back when I lived in TX still, but we never moved forward then because our surrogate fell through. So we are definitely going with them this time. I have to send my medical novel records to them for the RE to review and then have my consult. Should be starting BCP in December! The added bonus is there are some friends I want to see that live in TX near where I am going so it should be an awesome trip! Oh and THE BEST PART? Its kinda $5,000 CHEAPER overall to go there! Can you say HELL YESSSS!

Diagnosis

Contrary to what I thought I DO NOT have Strep Throat! I do however have infections in BOTH ears, my throat, my sinuses AND my chest (LUNGS!).. Four prescriptions later I left the Dr.'s office. Hopefully this passes quickly.. On a side note: I told dh I should not sleep in the same room with him since a fever means CONTAGIOUS.. He said "no babe, you will sleep better in our room" Yeah, I will but you will be at risk.. So, I asked the Dr. why my throat was hurting so badly, she said "Oh you definitely have infections!" I said am I contagious? Her answer? "FOR SURE!" As she was backing away slowly covering her face.. Yeah good times.. So I will not be sleeping in my room until I am fever free.. I LOVE being right..

I am Sick..

I am fighting off some terrible funky sickness.. It hit me HARD yesterday and it's worse this morning.. Hitting my Dr office tomorrow.. Back to bed. That is all..

The interwebz amazes me

I started following a blog a while back called Team Pancakes and thru her I have met another girl about to embark on IVF. She pointed out in one of her blog posts that a lot of African American women don't talk about their infertility, like it's a shameful thing.. I agree with her.. I know VERY FEW African American women that have issues (to my knowledge because it's not talked about publicly by "us") and I also know few Hispanic women that talk about it as well.. I know of a girl that recently had twins but when I was told about it, the info was only shared with me because the girl "outting" her knew I was doing IVF too (as y'all can see I have no problem telling all my bidness!LOL) so to have Nini reach out to me from "Team Pancakes" blog was so refreshing! I hope we can be a great source of support for each other as well as a great resource for information, y'all know I love to share! I hope her journey is much shorter than mine and that she has much success. I love how the interweb is bringing so many women together to share their stories and support one another! No matter our color we are all fighting the same fight and it's A LOT easier when you have numbers on your side!

The Kindness of Others and Making Sacrifices (LONG POST)

iIt took me a while to figure out what I wanted to title this blog post.. Soo many things went through my head... I thought about "the kindness of strangers" but that didn't seem to fit and you will understand why in a bit (hang in there).. OK so as you all know we are saving towards our last IVF cycle (gosh, I still get sad writing that, because I really hope it's just our last fresh cycle and not THE END, if we weren't able to achieve a pregnancy with this fresh) and it's going to run around $14,000 (PLUS MEDS) to cover everything for us and our surrogate.. Well we pretty much save every extra penny we get to our IVF savings account and live like we have no money. It was hard at first, but now we are used to it and it's the norm. Yes we still have cable and internet, but the last time I got a new pair of sneakers was in 2003 and anything I am looking for for our house or yard stuff I always check resale, thrift and garage sales before getting it new (something I haven't done in years) and I never met a coupon I didn't like, people are always commenting on how organized my coupons are when I am at the store.. I'm talking a BINDER here people, not you're Grandma's little coupon keeper, but I digress  because I'm getting sidetracked.. Anywho...


I do all this so we take advantage of every free dime we can, so it can be rerouted to "baby dream fund".. Even with doing that, it is still going to take our property tax refund and EVERYTHING we have in savings, plus a small loan (for a month or two until our income tax return gets processed) to reach our $14,000 goal. Knowing this I asked some girls that I have been on IF forums with that were currently cycling or just finished cycling or about to cycle about their leftover meds so I didn't have to pay full price at the pharmacy. Most times when you cycle, your Dr will prescribe much more than is needed because they have to make sure you are not going to run short. The response I received was overwhelming... I was able to get 2 important meds from one girl and including shipping, it didn't cost me as much as a nice dinner out would have, in fact it cost me less than me taking the family to McDonald's would and that was after I said it was the least I could do! She has walked this IF path and while her story may be finished, she was willing to help me continue mine and all she really wants is pictures of my baby if we have success (I know, the KINDNESS RIGHT!?!) Another girl Chelsea offered me her leftovers as a donation. I burst in to tears reading her message to me. You see, she has been there through my ups and downs and me through hers (Right now she is in her 2ww after having probably the BEST cycle on record anywhere! Read her story when you get a chance, it's pretty awesome.) and she knows just much this costs and what is at stake for me and I was so overwhelmed at her generosity that I wanted to share all the good news with my followers.. The magnitude of these girls gift to me is immeasurable. This is essentially saving us from having to spend an addition 4-5 THOUSAND DOLLARS on the stimulation medication for me, which is the most expensive part medication-wise. I am feeling so HOPEFUL and BLESSED right now.. I feel like God is telling me to hang in there and that I am not "down for the count" just yet, so I have to keep fighting. So this was a huge part of the amazing stuff I was talking about that had been happening in my life.. 

The other parts you ask? Well, we sold our main car. Both of our cars actually.. Hubby's car was a recent cheap purchase that he thought he could fix, but he ran out of ideas on what was going on with it and we were able to sell it to someone who was confident he could fix it, so we broke even. This left us down to one vehicle. Not too big of a deal since I am home, but in the event of an emergency I would be no help to anyone stranded.. So we got to talking and decided to sell our main vehicle and DOWNGRADE so we could keep the leftover equity in our 2006. Now, you may not think that is a big deal but if you don't ever go anywhere in your car, it tends to have low miles on it and if you have never wrecked it or let anyone dirty the interior, it's kind of a big deal when you go to resell. So with what we had started saving in our baby dream account we took that and the money from hubby's car and bought him a 2001 5-speed vehicle. So far so good. We emptied the fund BUT knew that if we could find me something decent for no more than $2K we would still be ahead. So we hit craigs.list and searched for me the perfect vehicle. After much calling and looking Friday we drove 1.5hrs to look at a van we decided would suit our needs. For one, it seats seven and we are already at 4 (even though the teens have one foot out the door) but also when I have to do these trips out of town for my IVF cycles, it sure is nicer to be able to stretch out and have room for all the bags too. And you know what else? It's a Honda and they hold their value pretty well. Now I know some of you are thinking "dude a van gets terrible gas mileage!" NOOOPE. Not a 1996 or 1997 Honda Odyssey. They are the only ones that were made with a 4 CYLINDER engine, which means the same gas mileage as a small car, but with more seating room.. (YAY ME!) So after a few test drives and some skilled negotiation we were able to talk the guy down to $2K for the van (SCORE!) and aside from some fading paint on the hood and roof (an easy fix) there is NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! So we are $3,000 ahead in our savings goal and getting closer to the savings finish line each week. I am already loving my van and what it represents.. Hope of one day having a carseat (or two) behind me and the determination to do what needs to be done to make our dreams a reality. So that's all for now, til next time!

Sharing is Caring (Seven Things Share!)

A cool blogger that found my blog nominated me for the seven things share since she wanted to learn more about me (I thought I was an open book! :-D) TeamPancakes So here are my seven things:

1. My sweet husband is a FOOT taller than me, so I stand on stools when we have pictures taken
2. I have an incredible memory, not as good as the chick in the new show "Unforgettable" but kinda scary good nonetheless
3. I am LEFT HANDED everything except hitting a baseball. I was raised with righties so that's what I learned.
4. I am an artist by hobby. I can draw whatever I can see.
5. I am deathly afraid of spiders and snakes. I have been known to run from crickets and grasshoppers as well.
6. I LOVE to cook. People often come to my house to eat or have me make things for their parties. 
7. I have been an EGG DONOR THREE TIMES and two of the couples have babies and the last is due soon, but my IVF has not been successful for our family....(YET)

It's Officially Decided...

After much talking with hubby, we have decided we are going to work with our original clinic again (yes, with the coordinator that I hate!) I know, I know but hear me out. Hubby made some excellent points to me and my surro did as well. This clinic has gotten ALL THE GIRLS I SHARED EGGS WITH PREGNANT WHEN THEY DID FRESH CYCLES. We have never done a fresh cycle because the timing has never been right for the surro side. This time will be different, everything is being based off MY schedule so a fresh cycle it is! Also, since my friend has been there before her records and her hubbys records are already there, so it's not like we all have to start from scratch we all have a history there. Also from our last two cycles, dh has like a eleventy trillion vial stash stored there, because each time we went he had to do a freeze all due to FDA testing and the clinic never discards them (ok eleventy trillion is an exaggeration, he has like 12 vials) so NO TESTING FOR HIM! That will save us about $1,000 alone.. We know what to expect from this place (nasty attitudes and all!) and they are really affordable compared to most clinics in my area, even with traveling! including travel we will probably still spend less then a full cycle would cost here before travel so still saving about $1k-$2k total overall..

So expect to hear lots of bitching and moaning from me once things get started. I am making some calls tomorrow to see what are the immediate things they need so we can start our tentative plan towards a cycle.. I still need to save but this past weekend we made some really great decisions and we freed up a nice bit of cash so we are probably 1/3 of the way to our goal! Also, some really amazing things have happened and are happening for me that I will blog about later in the week..

Suffice it to say i am a very happy girl!~

I have been meaning to say this for some time...

THANK YOU!!! To all of you who read my ramblings and all of you who have walked this walk and have come out the other side or are still waiting on your miracle, because you give me hope to press on, to all of you surrogates out there that help us make miracles and to all of my supporters and commenters (and lurkers!) and especially my new "friends!" I love you all and am so thankful for you. You help me through the hard times and even make me laugh when I need it the most. I just wanted to take a moment to tell you all that you are awesome and I know it, in case you didn't think I was paying attention... OK off to bed now.

OK and then there were THREE again..

So new clinic is a bust.. For one, the girl didn't seemed too pressed to give me any info and talked to me like I was an idiot.. So that left a bad taste in my mouth from jump.. Convo went something like this:

Me: Hi (insert rude girls name) I was calling to get more information on a doing an IVF cycle with a surrogate at your clinic. I reviewed the info on your website but it doesn't say what the $9,000.00 covers for the surrogate cycle.

Her: You have to find your own surrogate it doesn't include that.

Me: Umm, I know that, we already have a surrogate. I want to know what the $9,000.00 covers.

Her: The cycle... *enter crickets chirping*

Me: What.Parts.of.the.cycle.??

Her: Well it doesn't cover compensation to the surrogate ma'am. It covers the cycle.

Me: OK look can you tell me if it includes the monitoring, if so for who, and each thing that would be covered.

Her: It covers retrieval, monitoring and the things associated with an ivf cycle.

Me: ICSI? Her: oh no that's extra (Now I am looking at my phone mouthing cuss words at it!) Me: Assisted Hatching? Her: NOPE... *again crickets*

Me: So it's monitoring, retrieval, transfer to surrogate and that's it?

Her: I said that, the cycle, do you have any other questions?

Me: How much is ICSI and Assisted Hatching??

Her: I dunno, I don't have it in front of me, anything else?

Me: YES how much is ICSI and AH??

Her: (huffs and puffs) hold on.... ICSI is $2,000 AH is 750

Me: Is the freezing included in the cycle costs?

Her: How do you know you will have anything to freeze?

Me: HOW.MUCH.IS.IT.

Her: $1500.00 is that it now??

Me: DEFINITELY.CLICK!

I was TIRED after that conversation... So now I need to narrow it down to ONE so I can know what we need to save and get moving on it! We are saving currently, but we are just stashing money and have no clue what we need to have in order to proceed since we have no clinic, lol! So that's the plan.. At least with my old clinic I knew what to expect with the rudeness and disorganization... I have a consult set with the 4hr away clinic for later this month.. I am just ready to know which place so I can move on to the next phase!

Not so fast!

Found ANOTHER clinic I want to interview (I know, I know) it is also in FL so the less travel is still in play and it's actually closer to me and my friend since it's in Jacksonville... More tomorrow after I actually talk to someone there.. Here's to hoping!

Stressing Over Decisions... AGAIN..

Seems like I can't make a decision to save my life! I have been going back and forth on what clinic I want to use for our next IVF cycle. I am pretty sure I don't want to go back to my old clinic in NJ.. I LOVED my last RE there, but the coordinator? Not so much.. And unfortunately she is the main person I deal with. She stresses me out and that place has so much drama and disorganization I don't know how anything gets done. Plus the one old chick that draws my blood pretends she is hunting because her jab turn technique on my freakin vein is crude (I shuddered at that flashback)... The main thing is there is an element of distrust I feel with the support staff and nothing is ever their fault and you feel like a hostage since they are controlling your cycle.. I don't think I need that drama if this is my last shot. To put it in perspective a full cycle (including my traveling, surrofriend travel and her local monitoring) will run us about $15,000.00 for one cycle, not bad by any stretch of the imagination.. The next prospect is a clinic 3 hrs from us and their one cycle cost for us would be about $13,100.00. The bonus there is no long distance travel, hubby can play a bigger role (do my shots) and its a less time off from work for him with not having to fly across the country.. Final contender is 4hrs from us and costs $21,440 for two cycles (a fresh and a frozen). So it's a play on a shared risk program. If we have success the 1st cycle we get nothing back, but if we don't we get the FET and if we didn't have any embies to freeze we pay an additional $2,000 and do another fresh cycle (that's a very good deal) so I am trying to decide which is the best way for us to go financially as well as looking at each clinics success rate for my age group so we make the best choice possible for us.. So that's where I am at. I have talked to both of the FL clinics and one is kinda losing out due to them not doing assisted hatching (nurse said the RE doesn't believe in it and I DO so that's a huge deal to me) and their ICSI costs are out of this world at $1500 (normal range I have dealt with have been 750-1150 with some places doing AH & ICSI for 1500 total!) I feel like I could get the RE to say yes on AH but then I would wonder if he really did it (cause I'm suspicious of EVERYONE and I hate that) So my good people of the interwebz, we will be drawing straws, picking numbers and playing rock paper scissors to see what the hell we are gonna do.. OK, maybe not drawing straws because I can't reeeeally control that game like I can rock paper scissors, HA!

Til next time..

Not much going on, but wanted to post

Status quo over here. But wanted to post something because I felt like a I needed to. I am doing a garage sale next weekend, so that should be fun! Also turning up my ebaying so I can make some money and get that savings goal met ASAP! My oldest took his senior pictures and they have since come in and they look amazing! Can't believe I have to do it again next year and then I will have no babies :( just grown men.. I hope we have our miracle by then or this will be a quiet house.. OK so before I depress myself I will get back to separating my hoard into what can be sold and what I need to trash. Already have an impressive pile working so happy about clearing out some space! Later gators!

Sooo. Why don't you just adopt??

BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO, THAT'S WHY, DAMN!! Yep, that's what I feel like saying to people that ask this question.. And honestly? We really don't want to! The reason we are going through all of this is so dh can have a BIOLOGICAL child, dumbass! I guess I assume most people I know or I have told our story to have some semblance of intelligence, but I think I am wrong.. Some people I have had to tell by default, like if I ask them to keep an eye out on my kids (yes they are teenagers, but still I am no fool!) or let my dogs out while I am out of town, etc. And those people or even some others that know our frustration with trying, think this comment is helpful.. NEWSFLASH: IT'S NOT!! OK I fell off my point for a second there.. Back on track now.. Ahem: The reason we are going through all of the needles, labs, lawyers, head shrinking, traveling, decimating of our bank account and life savings is for dh to have a biological child. Since I already have two biological children and he is "technically" their stepfather yes we have "raised" children together since the boys were in pre-k and 1st grade and he is the only father that they claim and he loves them like they are his own, STILL it isn't the same.. They don't look like him and since he knows my ex-husband he definitely knows they act like him (yes I think that whole nature/nuture thing is BULLSHIT. My kids only lived with the ex-hubby for less than 3-4 years including being born and they act like him A WHOLE FUCKING LOT!). So he basically missed out on 0-5 of child rearing. Aside from this important aspect. He also has NO CHILDREN of his own.. To adopt in my opinion leaves him in the same situation he is in now.. Raising a child that is NOT related to him biologically. I am NOT speaking ill of adoption, AT ALL. If we had no children at all and I had a hysterectomy, well yep we would totally be adopting. But since we have a CHANCE at having a biological child I want this more than I want to breathe. I want it MORE for dh than I want it for myself. I would stab myself a billion more times and eat fire if it meant we would have a baby together. And I know adopting would give us A BABY, but I want dh to see "himself" when he looks at our child. I don't know if any of this is making any sense to y'all.. I talked to dh about donor eggs today.. Because I am not kidding myself thinking there isn't a good possibility that it's my old ass causing the problems and not just the freezing, thawing, refreezing and thawing being the issue.. I know my FSH and AMH are still well within the good range, but still SOMETHING is going on because on the same amount of stims (if not a little more) than my very first cycle 8 years ago, I produced HALF the amount of eggs and that is just the mature ones! There were another 12 that weren't quite mature!! So, um yeah.. In the end dh said no to donor eggs, I think for the same reason that I say YES to trying.. He wants to see "me" when he looks at our child.. I think if I push donor eggs he would say yes because he would do anything to make me smile, and that is just one of the MANY reasons I will probably sell everything I own and then some to make sure we can try until we get our baby.. I just hope this next try is our time... That's all for now..

Hard Week

So as you all know we had a chemical pregnancy AGAIN... Well what you may have forgotten is that my Brother-in-law, Sister-in-law and their kids were in town.. Their kids are 8 years old, 6 years old, 3 years old and 9 months.. SUPER HARD WEEK for me.. I lost it all day Monday and everyone handled it pretty well.. I stayed in my room for a few hours and cried my eyes out and no one bothered me.. Hubby came in at some point and just held me.. He is so amazing and strong.. We decided we WILL TRY AGAIN.. I just don't know when.. I told my friend what I was feeling regarding having to wait for almost 2 years and she said we can go now if we are ready.. I WOULD LOVE TO start again immediately but really, I think we do need this break.. I am worn out emotionally and financially. I never thought $30,000 later we would still be at the beginning of our journey.. I talked to our lawyer and explained everything to her and she said changes can be made to update our contract for minimal costs (I hope her idea of minimal and mine are the same thing!) and I have to talk to someone at the new clinic we want to go to and see if the psych eval would need updating as well and if not, the only issue with waiting would be my age and if my FSH and AMH changed in a bad way, since right now they are both perfect (I don't know how considering my last 2 cycles sucked!) SO, right now we are gathering info.. My friend said if we need to go first we can and that makes me feel better knowing we don't HAVE to wait if we can swing it financially.. So this post is to let everyone know OUR JOURNEY ISN'T OVER YET! :)

We did the beta

And as I suspected, we've been hit with another chemical.. Beta was 12.1.. I am positive it was higher a few days ago when the hpts were at their darkest.. So.. I don't know what is next for us to be honest.. My friend had talked about doing an FET with her last embies for a sibling and that would put her ready for another cycle in about 1.5 - 2 years from now. If that is the case, we are probably done. I will be 39.5 - 40 by then and in this world that is ANCIENT.. So, I will have to see what her and her husband decide and go from there.. So right now I don't know if this is the end of our story or not..

I have no words...

Seriously, y'all tell me what you think, is it worth doing beta tomorrow even??? HELP ME!! The last two are TODAY.. The 2nd to last was this AM the last about 45mins ago.. This shit sux BIG TIME..

Things are looking dimmer by the second...

Soooo... Took another wondfo (Internet Cheapie) and it's LIGHTER today then the two from yesterday.. Methinks we are in chemical pregnancy territory again.. We are more than likely not even doing the beta tomorrow.. I cannot see spending $300 for them to tell us what we already know.. This is EXACTLY what happened last time, except I paid the $600 over 3 days to find out what we already knew.. Here are the tests for your viewing pleasure.. The last test is from this AM.

. 

POAS Chronicles: 8dp6dfet

 I am thoroughly confused... Wondfo internet cheapies still showing darker.. LOVE THAT! First Response Early Results are the same if not a SMIDGE LIGHTER, WTF?!?! Digital... HOURGLASS FOR OVER AN HOUR.. Yeah... THOROUGHLY CONFUSED!!! Here are both sets of tests.. 

Last 2 taken TODAY approx 8-10hrs apart

 

Last 2 taken TODAY

Last digital will be taken tomorrow then we just wait for beta, I am SO OVER these hpts, UGH!

Mayhaps I jumped the gun...

OK.. so after my epic freak out yesterday and some words of wisdom from a few girls on a surrogate forum (smo) and of course searching Dr. Google. I felt a little better when I finally went to sleep at O dark thirty this morning.. Well my friend and I texted back and forth and we decided we are going to STOP TESTING after Tonight... Well, kinda.. We are gonna do it tonight and then not again until Monday AM before she goes in for beta, because after that the fat lady is gonna sing anyway and we will have our answer.. Annnywho.. So these are the wondfo's from 5dpt PM thru 8dp EARLY AM! What ya think? 

 

Please pray Mo continues to be a little fighter!!

POAS Chronicles: 7dp6dfet

So today's test is darker...BUT just barely.. I can't help but feel like this might be a repeat of last time.. TRUST ME, I don't want to think that, but there it is... Funny thing is the strip test is darker noticeably, but the First Response is a SMIDGE darker.. This is going to be the longest weekend of my life...*siiigh***

OK so here it is: starting from the top the two strip tests, yesterday and today and the FRER today's, yesterdays is the last picture..

POAS Chronicles: 6dp6dfet

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here is tonight's picture, she couldn't wait until 10PM our designated time, so impatient! LOL!

 

Can you see it??? OMG!! We are cautiously optimistic!

NOT SO FAST!!

Soooo it appears we HAVE A LINE TONIGHT!!!! OMG! I CANNOT post a pic because it is SO FAINT that you will go blind trying to see it.. But on my cell it's faintly there.. I emailed it to myself and almost lost my eyeballs trying to see it on that fuzzy picture, UGH! So.. The plan is to test again tomorrow evening and see if there is a definite darkening that I can post here for all of you faithful POAS'ers and readers!

 

I added this in because I am going to add the new one from tonight and hopefully there is a noticeable difference! This is last nights tests in B&W cause there is NO HOPE of seeing it otherwise, lol!