I'm still around

I have been dreading writing this post... I am not sure how to get it all out or where to begin.. My surrogate is pregnant with her own baby. Very early still, but she is definitely pregnant. So we made the decision to do an IVF cycle as planned at the beginning of the year and once again freeze our embryos. This is NOT what we wanted to do, but aside from starting back at square one and putting our plans off indefinitely, this is our only choice. I have little to no confidence in FET's with our history of late so I am struggling with the idea of even moving forward if I am honest with you guys.. I just wanted to be able to do one fresh cycle and then if we didn't have success I could have closure knowing I tried everything possible. Doing another FET is kinda like throwing good money after bad to me, because we've tried it twice and it didn't work. We are using a different clinic (ARCC in Irving, TX) but still, it's still the same old thing an FET. We had initially intended on doing a fresh cycle but due to issues my friend had with the clinic that needed to be cleared up, that was not possible, as they were unwilling to work with her as a patient until the matter was settled. So even though it was more expensive for us, we opted to freeze all and move our embryos to a clinic close to her and pay much more for FETs in her state. Fast forward from December of last year to September and she has now settles her matter with the clinic (something that could have been done so I could have had my fresh there in the first place, but I digress) and now she has had her own transfer with them and is newly pregnant... Her timing kinda sucks and feels like a slap in the face..


There is also a whole 'nother set of issues with her being pregnant with her own child. Our contract was supposed to be in place until March 2012, well that is obviously not the case now.. I would be lying if I say I didn't feel like I wasted an incredible amount of money choosing to work with a friend. I truly believed she was finished with her family. She assured me she was. Then she had second thoughts on that. I can't be mad at her wanting to have another child, but I am hurt. This whole arrangement was born out of the relationship we built 9 years ago when I donated eggs to her and through that she was able to have her son and the remaining embryos that she just used. Did she "owe" me a surrogacy? CERTAINLY NOT... But I had a surrogate and while things were touch n go during the getting to know you phase, I believe it was things that we could have probably worked through. Having my friend offer just made it easier on us to get started sooner rather than later and she had offered years ago and I always was adamant that she not do it until she was finished with her own family.. I am sure it is for reasons like this that most women don't pursue surrogacy unless they are finished having their own children or atleast reasonably sure they are finished.. So how do I move forward? This has definitely affected our friendship. I can't be her sounding board and support system like I was with her first pregnancy and since she keeps the IVF and circumstances of her IF issues private she has no one to talk to. I do the best I can with talking to her, but it is strained.. I KNOW she knows this is hard for me to deal with, I have made that clear. I have been saving and sacrificing for a LONG TIME to make this happen and I feel like my opportunity was squandered... I don't think she understands the gravity of what has happened.. Age is not fertility's friend! The older you get the lower your chances are AND the worse your eggs get. I have already seen a marked decline in the number of eggs I produce and I suspect the quality has already started to suffer as well. I think my cycle in April that shared with my other "friend" may have been the "one good egg" out of that batch. My February cycle I believe since I ovulated during egg retrieval the good egg got away.. If bad luck was worth anything I would be very rich indeed.. I am getting sidetracked and I apologize, back to the word vomit that is in my brain.. She suggested to me that we do a cycle and freeze (which we are probably going to do NOW since we feel like we have no other choice) and I said, um we just did that TWICE and all we got were 2 chemicals AND another $12,000-$13,000 added to our tally. See, when you do a fresh cycle, most of you know the price you pay includes the transfer. Well if you freeze all, you pay a little less, but you pay a TON more to do a frozen transfer. So really if you can transfer at retrieval it is ideal. Not only cost wise but also success rates wise. Frozen transfers success rates are NOT as high as fresh. That is why we want to do fresh and because like I said before, been there done that on frozen, let's throw OUR LAST CHANCE at fresh, the one thing we haven't done... But once again, I have to tailor my cycle around what's convenient for someone else and that's the burr in my ass that I can't shake..

Oh let's talk about the paralyzing fear I have too. What if she loses her uterus after this baby or her OB says she can't carry another baby? Well folks, if that happens then I pretty much wasted all the money spent on contracts, lawyers, medical testing and psych evals because we have to start over with someone else any... And that means pushing everything back much farther because we have to save up for those things again..

See my dilemma? So what's a girl to do? Two girls are having babies next year that will probably look like me and neither baby is going to be coming home with me.. I am still waiting and praying that I didn't waste my last best chance.. Hubby wants to do the freeze all, because he can't deal with the thought that we were so close and now we are finished. So even though I don't want to do that I am going to.. I just pray it's the right decision. And I pray my friend has an easy delivery (please be vaginal!) and mends in time and our relationship can mend so that we can still make this happen.. I still love her dearly, I just feel a little bit used (since I had already paid for medical testing they didn't have to pay for it and she used my meds BUT she did say she will replace them when the time comes and pay for the medical testing to be redone since she used up the remaining clock I had on the testing dates) and something else, but I can't put my finger on it.. And I am jealous.. I AM.. It sucks to admit that, but there it is.. I want my husband to have a child of his own and I want that NOW. But sometimes you don't get what you want.. And THAT is what scares me..SO that's what I needed to say to you guys..

Do you think cycling now and taking advantage of my being 38.1yo or 38.2yo for this egg retrieval is better even though I would have to do an FET later is better than waiting to do a fresh cycle when I am worst case scenario 39.5 or best case scenario 39? Feel free to blow smoke up my ass to make me feel better, I'm easy at this point.. No matter what happens I will always post and tell my story..