Stressing Over Decisions... AGAIN..

Seems like I can't make a decision to save my life! I have been going back and forth on what clinic I want to use for our next IVF cycle. I am pretty sure I don't want to go back to my old clinic in NJ.. I LOVED my last RE there, but the coordinator? Not so much.. And unfortunately she is the main person I deal with. She stresses me out and that place has so much drama and disorganization I don't know how anything gets done. Plus the one old chick that draws my blood pretends she is hunting because her jab turn technique on my freakin vein is crude (I shuddered at that flashback)... The main thing is there is an element of distrust I feel with the support staff and nothing is ever their fault and you feel like a hostage since they are controlling your cycle.. I don't think I need that drama if this is my last shot. To put it in perspective a full cycle (including my traveling, surrofriend travel and her local monitoring) will run us about $15,000.00 for one cycle, not bad by any stretch of the imagination.. The next prospect is a clinic 3 hrs from us and their one cycle cost for us would be about $13,100.00. The bonus there is no long distance travel, hubby can play a bigger role (do my shots) and its a less time off from work for him with not having to fly across the country.. Final contender is 4hrs from us and costs $21,440 for two cycles (a fresh and a frozen). So it's a play on a shared risk program. If we have success the 1st cycle we get nothing back, but if we don't we get the FET and if we didn't have any embies to freeze we pay an additional $2,000 and do another fresh cycle (that's a very good deal) so I am trying to decide which is the best way for us to go financially as well as looking at each clinics success rate for my age group so we make the best choice possible for us.. So that's where I am at. I have talked to both of the FL clinics and one is kinda losing out due to them not doing assisted hatching (nurse said the RE doesn't believe in it and I DO so that's a huge deal to me) and their ICSI costs are out of this world at $1500 (normal range I have dealt with have been 750-1150 with some places doing AH & ICSI for 1500 total!) I feel like I could get the RE to say yes on AH but then I would wonder if he really did it (cause I'm suspicious of EVERYONE and I hate that) So my good people of the interwebz, we will be drawing straws, picking numbers and playing rock paper scissors to see what the hell we are gonna do.. OK, maybe not drawing straws because I can't reeeeally control that game like I can rock paper scissors, HA!

Til next time..

Not much going on, but wanted to post

Status quo over here. But wanted to post something because I felt like a I needed to. I am doing a garage sale next weekend, so that should be fun! Also turning up my ebaying so I can make some money and get that savings goal met ASAP! My oldest took his senior pictures and they have since come in and they look amazing! Can't believe I have to do it again next year and then I will have no babies :( just grown men.. I hope we have our miracle by then or this will be a quiet house.. OK so before I depress myself I will get back to separating my hoard into what can be sold and what I need to trash. Already have an impressive pile working so happy about clearing out some space! Later gators!

Sooo. Why don't you just adopt??

BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO, THAT'S WHY, DAMN!! Yep, that's what I feel like saying to people that ask this question.. And honestly? We really don't want to! The reason we are going through all of this is so dh can have a BIOLOGICAL child, dumbass! I guess I assume most people I know or I have told our story to have some semblance of intelligence, but I think I am wrong.. Some people I have had to tell by default, like if I ask them to keep an eye out on my kids (yes they are teenagers, but still I am no fool!) or let my dogs out while I am out of town, etc. And those people or even some others that know our frustration with trying, think this comment is helpful.. NEWSFLASH: IT'S NOT!! OK I fell off my point for a second there.. Back on track now.. Ahem: The reason we are going through all of the needles, labs, lawyers, head shrinking, traveling, decimating of our bank account and life savings is for dh to have a biological child. Since I already have two biological children and he is "technically" their stepfather yes we have "raised" children together since the boys were in pre-k and 1st grade and he is the only father that they claim and he loves them like they are his own, STILL it isn't the same.. They don't look like him and since he knows my ex-husband he definitely knows they act like him (yes I think that whole nature/nuture thing is BULLSHIT. My kids only lived with the ex-hubby for less than 3-4 years including being born and they act like him A WHOLE FUCKING LOT!). So he basically missed out on 0-5 of child rearing. Aside from this important aspect. He also has NO CHILDREN of his own.. To adopt in my opinion leaves him in the same situation he is in now.. Raising a child that is NOT related to him biologically. I am NOT speaking ill of adoption, AT ALL. If we had no children at all and I had a hysterectomy, well yep we would totally be adopting. But since we have a CHANCE at having a biological child I want this more than I want to breathe. I want it MORE for dh than I want it for myself. I would stab myself a billion more times and eat fire if it meant we would have a baby together. And I know adopting would give us A BABY, but I want dh to see "himself" when he looks at our child. I don't know if any of this is making any sense to y'all.. I talked to dh about donor eggs today.. Because I am not kidding myself thinking there isn't a good possibility that it's my old ass causing the problems and not just the freezing, thawing, refreezing and thawing being the issue.. I know my FSH and AMH are still well within the good range, but still SOMETHING is going on because on the same amount of stims (if not a little more) than my very first cycle 8 years ago, I produced HALF the amount of eggs and that is just the mature ones! There were another 12 that weren't quite mature!! So, um yeah.. In the end dh said no to donor eggs, I think for the same reason that I say YES to trying.. He wants to see "me" when he looks at our child.. I think if I push donor eggs he would say yes because he would do anything to make me smile, and that is just one of the MANY reasons I will probably sell everything I own and then some to make sure we can try until we get our baby.. I just hope this next try is our time... That's all for now..

Hard Week

So as you all know we had a chemical pregnancy AGAIN... Well what you may have forgotten is that my Brother-in-law, Sister-in-law and their kids were in town.. Their kids are 8 years old, 6 years old, 3 years old and 9 months.. SUPER HARD WEEK for me.. I lost it all day Monday and everyone handled it pretty well.. I stayed in my room for a few hours and cried my eyes out and no one bothered me.. Hubby came in at some point and just held me.. He is so amazing and strong.. We decided we WILL TRY AGAIN.. I just don't know when.. I told my friend what I was feeling regarding having to wait for almost 2 years and she said we can go now if we are ready.. I WOULD LOVE TO start again immediately but really, I think we do need this break.. I am worn out emotionally and financially. I never thought $30,000 later we would still be at the beginning of our journey.. I talked to our lawyer and explained everything to her and she said changes can be made to update our contract for minimal costs (I hope her idea of minimal and mine are the same thing!) and I have to talk to someone at the new clinic we want to go to and see if the psych eval would need updating as well and if not, the only issue with waiting would be my age and if my FSH and AMH changed in a bad way, since right now they are both perfect (I don't know how considering my last 2 cycles sucked!) SO, right now we are gathering info.. My friend said if we need to go first we can and that makes me feel better knowing we don't HAVE to wait if we can swing it financially.. So this post is to let everyone know OUR JOURNEY ISN'T OVER YET! :)

We did the beta

And as I suspected, we've been hit with another chemical.. Beta was 12.1.. I am positive it was higher a few days ago when the hpts were at their darkest.. So.. I don't know what is next for us to be honest.. My friend had talked about doing an FET with her last embies for a sibling and that would put her ready for another cycle in about 1.5 - 2 years from now. If that is the case, we are probably done. I will be 39.5 - 40 by then and in this world that is ANCIENT.. So, I will have to see what her and her husband decide and go from there.. So right now I don't know if this is the end of our story or not..